


count your fears if you let me

by brandywine421



Category: Daredevil (TV), Jessica Jones (TV)
Genre: Casual Sex, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Post-Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-07-24 23:17:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20022652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brandywine421/pseuds/brandywine421
Summary: "Are you seeing anyone?"A long, heavy pause fell and he laughed, slinging an arm around her shoulders and pressing his mouth to her cheek. "Try that again.""I gave you the opening and everything," she smiled, twisting to catch his lips. It was just as easy and soft as she expected, as hot and sparked as she wanted and as chemical and magnetic as she feared."What are you looking for, Jess?" he asked, huskily now that their hands had settled on each other below the waist."I don't know. Want to help me find it?"*Jess and Matt take a roadtrip.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't actually seen JJ S3 yet so this will be vague and not deep per normal parameters. It started dark and broody but didn't stay that way. This story is evolving, I'm not sure what my muse is trying to say here but I'm down for the ride.

_roped up rat in a cage_  
_I'm having a breakdown_  
_drinking at a playground_  
_tequila for one_

It was darker inside than outside and she didn't ask him to turn on the lights and he wouldn't remember.

She hoped he didn't remember. She hoped he would let her slink into his cave and find a shadow to curl up in to lick her wounds. She hoped he wouldn't ask her - wouldn't make her - wouldn't - she hoped -

He closed the door with a heavy sound, turning the deadbolt and dragging the chain in painfully slow beats. Or maybe her sense of time was still off - maybe she turned off too much of her brain to shut out the voice - her curse - her conscience - her ghost -

"I had a big night planned of drinking alone and not having to make small talk with assholes." He kissed her forehead and took her bag in a single motion, managing to make minimal contact and launching his trap. "You're not an asshole so take a load off."

She almost fired an insult at him until she mapped the room in the billboard's garish lighting highlighting an obstacle course of stacked boxes and crates. He carefully placed her bags on a clear space on the counter-top in his small kitchen.

"Foggy and Karen finally settled on a new office space but there's a three week delay and I had the most storage available." A clink of glasses and a splash of liquid. "I started a couple of hours ago."

She almost smiled but it felt like surrender so she joined him in the small space, pressing her body flush against his back and sliding her hands down his arms to his wrists as he went still. She almost kissed the back of his neck but he was holding his breath.

"If you need a place to sleep, or hide, you don't have to talk, or do anything else you might regret tomorrow," he said. He meant it and she - she didn't know what she was doing here.

He turned his wrists and slowly, gently, laced their fingers together. He raised their right hands to his mouth and kissed her knuckles, painfully chaste. "I'd like you to stick around 'til tomorrow when I'm sober."

She took both glasses off the counter and drained them without regret and when he turned to embrace her, she buried her face into his shoulder. It was dark, he was warm and while he might be mostly a stranger, she felt safe. Unseen. Hidden.

  
_this is the face I wear treading the riptide_  
_abysmal oceans where good girls go to die_

  
"I'm supposed to be in Mexico."

Matt didn't flinch when she spoke even though she'd been silently haunting his bed for two days while he went about his daily business without demanding an explanation.

"I - walked away. Said my goodbyes and - flaked out at the airport."

He paused but quickly recovered and placed an oversized mug of coffee in front of her at the kitchen counter before returning for his own. " _Flake_ you are not, Jessica."

She wrapped her hands around the warm ceramic and stared into the dark blackness. "It's been years but I still hear him." This wasn't about Trish or Dorothy or - it wasn't about any of that. It was about Kilgrave still eating her from the inside out like gut-rot. She was infected and would never -

"Doesn't make you a flake. Sounds like progress to me," Matt hummed, interrupting her spiral.

"What?"

"You're acknowledging it," he shrugged, his eyes tracking off untended without his glasses. "I don't know the details, but auditory hallucinations are a bitch for a blind man, so from that perspective - kudos on admitting it out loud."

She shook her head. "I think - what if it's more than that?"

He took the stool beside her, thoughtful. "Well, if it's magic or mystical, maybe Danny Rand could fist it out of you."

She shoved him but a smile slipped through her walls.

"Mexico?"

"I thought getting out of the city would - I don't know what I'm doing. I _don't_ \- you know what happened, right?"

"I was fiercely advised to stay out of it but Luke was supposed to step the fuck up," Matt replied darkly.

She shoved him again. "Seriously?"

"Foggy and Claire said I would _absolutely_ not be welcome," Matt muttered. "But I know the basics of what happened, to answer your question."

"Are you seeing anyone?"

A long, heavy pause fell and he laughed, slinging an arm around her shoulders and pressing his mouth to her cheek. "Try that again."

"I gave you the opening and everything," she smiled, twisting to catch his lips. It was just as easy and soft as she expected, as hot and sparked as she wanted and as chemical and magnetic as she feared.

"What are you looking for, Jess?" he asked, huskily now that their hands had settled on each other below the waist.

"I don't know. Want to help me find it?"

_I don't know about them_  
_but sometimes I wish_  
_to disappear_  
_and never look back_

He asked for time to make three calls after the impressive three orgasms he got out of her and she had full permission to rummage through his stuff while she packed his bag.

She liked that he used speakerphone to give himself a little bit of transparency considering his superpowers.

_"Foggy. I'm going out of town for a few days."_

_"All right, are you back on your bullshit or - "_

_"I'm having a torrid affair with a woman I met a couple of days ago and we're running away together."_

_"That's a yes, then. Spies or ninjas involved?"_

_"You wound me, Fogs."_

_"You'll be back in three weeks to help us unpack the office?"_

_"Sure."_

_"Fine, have fun and don't get arrested."_

Boxer briefs, running shorts, sweats, aha - jeans, take that asshole -

A couple more rings and the blonde she'd met at the Harlem PD spoke. Karen Page. Aha. Sneakers - she was going to win this packing game, Choirboy.

_"Sure, like you met a new chick and haven't emoted about it at length, try again, Asshole."_

_"Oh wow, I'm totally not lying."_

The 'totally' wasn't going to win him any points from the sound of it.

_"What did Foggy say?"_

_"I'll be back in three weeks and I don't need your permission - I was trying to respectful to my business partners and alleged friends."_

_"Sure, totally. Call me if you need bail."_

Wow, Jessica maybe loved his friends. She went over to his suitcase and folded a few of the more crammed in sets of clothes before sliding her arm across his bathroom sink to sweep everything into the plastic bag to go on top. She scanned the room for a final time and saw the pointedly closed trunk in his picked over closet. She might not mind taking a spin at him in his Gimp suit but only found ropes and dark black gear inside. Black pajamas were a much better fantasy than rubber horns poking between her thighs.

Matt appeared in the doorway with his phone. "Will I be needing that?"

"Better safe than sorry. You make all your calls? I didn't hear the last one," she said.

He tossed the phone on the bed and went to the nightstand, bypassing the rosary to go for the box of condoms. "Made 'em all. I assume you have a plan that doesn't involve me needing a passport or - "

"Passports," Jessica scoffed. "You don't get carsick, do you?"

He flopped on his back on the stripped bed beside the suitcase. "Depends on how long I'm expected to be in the car. Will you let me drive?" He fluttered his eyelashes and she very pointedly did not find him cute.

But she did straddle his thighs and pinned him easily to the mattress. "Do you trust me?"

"I may not always trust your judgment or your intentions, Jess, but I trust * **you** *, sure."

"Roadtrip," she confided against his lips.

He laughed, freeing his hands from her grasp to touch her hair - he had a thing about hair and she was starting to have a thing about hair - "Do you even have a car?"

"I'm going to rent a camper thing," she said. She didn't have a bag of cash for nothing.

He didn't laugh but he did flutter those damned lashes again. She was sure he knew exactly what he was doing. "No hotels?"

"Oh, sure, but if I want to pull over and get drunk, I want that option," Jessica said, waiting for him to disagree.

But he hummed and touched her hair again. "I can save you some money, if you're serious."

_I say she's a keeper if she got it on her own and keeps it running_  
_if she can keep it all running_

Jessica would have to give it to Foggy Nelson - his huge family was loyal as shit and considered Matt a part of the brood.

She wasn't sure she liked him making deals for her but considering the size and scale of Nelson's RV Emporium and the fact that he hadn't made fun of her plan once in the Uber over - she was letting him take the lead.

She wasn't sure she liked the way 'Uncle Lenny' was sizing her up, either but the wink came off as weirdly fond instead of lecherous and she caught sight of Matt's flushed cheeks. So she was approved as girlfriend, goody.

"Go say hello to Nelly while I talk it over with your licensed friend, Matty," the old man said and Matt paused long enough for her to give him the signal - the bird - so he could disappear into the building and abandon her in the parking lot.

"Pretty sure only half of what he said was true, but he's a lawyer so it's expected," Lenny grinned at her, shaking her hand firmly. "Pleasure to meet you Miss Jones - not that you're here or anything, nobody around here's a snitch."

Huh.

"So, you're taking Matty on vacation? Real nice of you to not put that boy on a plane, he's high maintenance on a good day, you know?" Lenny continued, steering her across the lot toward the smaller versions of traveling houses.

"Yeah, Mexico's right out," Jessica acknowledged, filing that away for taunting later.

Lenny chuckled. "Well, he's had a rough time of things lately and as the Nelson that he picked to hit up for a favor - I'm damned well going to do my best so I can harass Foggy's Ma about it later. Here we are," he stopped halfway across the lot and motioned to the rows of small RVs.

"I'd suggest these on the first row, brand new and top of the line display - meaning the microwaves and wireless are all factory and not removed for budgetary reasons yet. Take your pick and I'll give you the keys, just have it back in three weeks and make sure Matty's not nursing a broken heart and we'll be even."

Wait, what?

Lenny just laughed. "Look around, I'll answer any questions you have - but I want those bragging rights, Miss Jones."

She rooted through the different campers and it was more than just the seat warmer to swing her final choice. The retractable skylight so she could see the stars without actually having to go outside was a definite plus.

Matt didn't care about the skylight or the seat warmers but he made Lenny pre-program all the radio stations while Nellie Nelson forced pamphlets for B&B's and campsites into her hands.

"You need your rest, too, don't spend your whole time driving," Nellie said, squeezing her hand before taking a step back. "You want a hotel, pick a Marriott and we'll get it comp'ed for you - got a nephew that could use the referrals - oh and make sure you stop for food, lots of food - there's no excuse for forgetting to eat on vacation."

She hadn't thought about food, just getting the hell out of the city.

"We'll grab road snacks when we fill it up with gas," Matt called from the front as if he could tell she was panicking now that she had keys to their escape vehicle.

"And condoms, make sure you have lots of fun before he ruins it like he always does," Nellie added under her breath. She stifled a laugh and the woman glared at her. "Don't act dumb, he's the kind you take for a spin, not the kind you park in the garage."


	2. Chapter 2

Jessica glanced over when Matt dropped an oversized bag of candy between the seats and plopped down. He proceeded to tear open a bag of Skittles.

"Don't you have, like, super-sensitive taste or something? Do I need to stop at some kind of organic food store to get you snacks?"

"Nope. Open your mouth," Matt said.

A skittle bounced off her nose when she didn't obey fast enough. " _Seriously_?"

"You need sugar, I'm _helping_. These are the tropical flavors, maybe you'll think of Mexico."

He nailed her with two in a row when she opened her mouth to retort and she scrunched them in her teeth.

"I have, honestly, zero experience with vacations," Matt confessed. "Day trips with the orphanage don't count and I've never made enough money to rationalize taking time off. Not even talking about the unpaid night job."

"Foggy didn't drag you to Cancun in college?"

Matt snorted. "I hate planes, I need my blood alcohol content to be past unconscious before I even think about getting on a plane. I would have turned you down for Mexico. But since I'm here as sidekick and entertainment, I have to make sure you're sugared up and ready to party. I think that's how it goes."

She snatched the bag of Skittles from him but he pulled out a bag of regular flavor to replace them. "I'm not trying to party. Just - get away. Clear my head, I guess."

"I have an idea," Matt said.

"Who knew that kidnapping a boy-toy for my own amusement would result in so much chatter," Jessica groaned.

He smiled brightly at her and she remembered why they called him the Devil.

* * *

  
"No, absolutely not," Jessica stated, looking away from the giant blob of cotton candy in her hand to take in the roller coaster.

"You said, and I quote," Matt started, licking at his fingers and tearing off another tuft of sugar. "You needed to clear your head."

"And you think the 'Tower Rings of Fear and Terror' will clear my head, Matt?" she blinked at him.

He laughed. "That's not what the pamphlet called it but, sure. Worth a shot, right?"

She stuffed a fistful of cotton candy into his mouth and kissed most of it away as she dropped the stick into a garbage can. "You're a ridiculously G-rated boy-toy, you know that?"

"Well, I _possibly_ brought a pint of whiskey and considered fingering you on the Ferris Wheel after dark, but foreplay is a _process_ , Jessica," Matt replied, spinning her expertly into line and falling into place at her hip. "I need to get your blood pumping and all that."

He was such an asshole and if she'd met him ten years earlier they probably would both be in jail or supervillains. Or maybe just hate each other.

He leaned in close, hesitant. "We don't have to. We can play some games or get back on the road if - "

"Too late, I have aspirations of hearing you scream now," she admitted.

"That's not foreplay, that's for the main event," he said under his breath, pecking her cheek.

He didn't scream, but he laughed and she laughed with him and that was almost as good.

She caught him slipping game tickets to stray children to win prizes for her and she made him carry the arms-full of plush toys for punishment. Teach him to try and be sort of cute, she would make him go all fucking in.

She didn't think about her mess of a life or the poison stewing in her broken head - she didn't hear Kilgrave's voice or see Trish's defiant eyes.

She was thoroughly distracted and that - was totally okay.

Better than okay was when Matt finally ditched the toys to an arguing family they passed in line for the Ferris Wheel and they could get on with this foreplay he spoke of.

A thump from above pulled her attention from Matt's mouth on her neck and her hands up his shirt. A muffled ' _Shit!'_ and something clattered across the roof of their cart and Matt snapped his hand out and plucked something out of the air.

She laughed at his befuddled frown as he brought his catch into the cab and held the small velvet ring box out to her. "Fuck off that didn't just happen." The voices from above drift down right on cue.

_"Did you just - are you - Harris, you asshole!"_

_"I was trying to be romantic, you were rocking the chair!"_

She popped open the box and saw a demure diamond ring the kid had probably saved for months to afford.

She zipped up her jeans, took a swallow to finish off the pint of whiskey and climbed onto the seat.

She glanced down at Matt expecting a warning. "I'd tell you to be careful, but you can fly and shit so," he shrugged, running his hands across his chest to smooth out his shirt.

Jessica appreciated the support anyway and climbed out of the swinging car using her hands to climb the short trek to the car above them. Harris' girlfriend shrieked when she appeared at the edge of their cab. "Here." She tossed the box into the girl's startled but prepared hands. "Romance is hard, give the guy a B+ for effort."

She swung back down to where Matt was still lazily sprawled across the seat. "I am bereft," he said as she straddled him a second before the ride started to move again. She wondered if she'd get busted for not 'keeping her hands and feet inside the cabin' but Matt's soft smile and harder kisses reminded her that she was on vacation and she could fly and shit.

* * *

"Fancy hotels and restaurants make me think of - " Matt said after they'd split a tiny shower at the motel a few blocks from the park. She was too drunk to want to drive and Matt's one 'high maintenance' request was hot water so here they were.

"Oh," she cut him off before he had to say Elektra's name. "So maybe we order a pizza, watch motel cable and make out?"

"We are vacation experts," Matt said, smiling and sitting down on the sagging bed.

They were getting there, maybe, but they were still in New York State so they had time.


	3. Chapter 3

"That's not the wake up call I was expecting but I can adapt," Matt's voice drifted into her dream and she blinked awake. It took another blink for her to realize she had her hand around his throat. She pulled away but he caught her wrist loosely before she could panic any further. "Jessica. You with me?"

"I'm sorry - "

"Not what I asked," Matt replied, releasing her. "You woke up in a strange place and had an issue - so I need to know, are you back with me now?"

"Yeah," she whispered, leaning back to rest on her knees. God, he was going to have bruises - _fingermarks_ \- on his neck, she could have crushed his windpipe and -

"I should have warned you about spooning," Matt said, pushing himself up on his elbows.

She stared at him and his neck. "Spooning?"

"I have a problem. Big spoon, little spoon, doesn't matter to my lizard brain but if I'm in a bed with another person - spooning's going to happen," Matt said, holding out his hand. She didn't hesitate to take it. "You are not the first person I've woke up next to that didn't respond well. Guy broke my cheekbone once in college."

"Christ, Murdock, it's not because of anything you did - " Jessica blurted out.

"You were asleep so you can't be sure. I don't think you were dreaming," he said. "But I am still a little drunk."

She choked out a laugh and let him tuck her body against him, smoothing his fingers through her hair. "Not a setback, just a reminder of why we're on vacation," he murmured. "Gotta remember that we're not sleeping with people that want us dead or brainwashed anymore."

"They'll get hurt anyway," Jessica whispered, not clinging to him but definitely holding on tight to his solid warmth.

"That's because romance is _hard_ , not because we're cursed. Well, you anyway, jury's still out on me," Matt said, his voice thrumming through her like a balm. "There's a reason you invited me along instead of the other guys I smell on your laundry, so don't start getting regrets now."

"You're so gross," she muttered but he's also fucking right.

He bracketed her face with his hands and let his eyes skim absently across her. He had beautiful eyes, still decorative even without function. God, maybe she was still drunk, too. "You with me?"

"Yeah."

"Good," he said, releasing his hands and going lax against the bed. "I could really go for some coffee and your heart is still ramped up to twelve. Need to take a walk?"

"Need to get out of your hearing range, apparently, so maybe so," she said. "I'll bring ice."

"Think about where we're heading next. Less people might be a plan," Matt added. "Maybe less candy."

"Go back to sleep, I'll be back with caffeine and ice for your neck. **Matt**. Even if you don't want to hear it, I am sorry," she added.

"You're right, I don't want to hear it. You can try it again after coffee." She got her boots on before he flicked a pillow at her. "Don't take too long."

"Right, you'll get all 'bereft' again," she said, but she felt a little lighter despite the ring around his tasty neck. She scanned him with slightly more lucid eyes and saw scattered hickies and bruises from their time together so far. His neck wasn't half as dark as the finger marks on his bicep or the scratches down his chest.

He seemed to sense her looking at him and flipped her the bird, tucking the covers over his head in protest. " _Coffeeeee_."

She would take better care of her toys even if they had to take sleeping shifts.

* * *

She chose a cabin in the middle of fuck-all nowhere for their next day's destination, reservations and supplies ordered while she stocked up on coffee and protein bars instead of Skittles. Matt lazed around the RV for the drive, hungover or suffering from his sugar crash but never failing to bring her whatever she wanted even if she refused to tell him the destination until she parked outside of the private little wooden house.

He stepped out of the RV warily, tilting his head and frowning sharply.

She didn't fight her laugh. "What the fuck, Matt?"

"I know I said 'less people', but - the only heartbeats I hear other than yours and my own are - _creatures_ ," he said, taking her hand like a striking snake. "Not pets."

"Are you - " she started but she didn't have to finish - she could see it on his face. He was **not** fucking with her. "The lodge is, like, two miles down the road."

Matt wrinkled his nose and tilted his chin up. She kept hold of his hand and dragged him toward the cabin and the neatly stacked boxes of delivered groceries on the porch. "Got anything yet?"

"It's so quiet, Jess. I might - tweak out on the roof for a minute," Matt said.

"You just don't want to haul groceries," she said, unlocking the door. "Go be weird, I got this."

"I'll make dinner when I'm done losing my shit," Matt said, scrambling up the side of the cabin like it was a personal climbing wall.

She put the beer and perishables away and swapped out the sheets for the silk ones she ordered as a way to make up for almost choking him earlier.

He was still on the roof when she finished so she snagged a bottle of whiskey and leaped her way up to the tilted roof to join him. He barely moved when she dropped down to sit beside him. "You've been up here longer than a minute."

He took her hand and brought it to his ear, pressing her wrist against his cheek. "Sorry. Just."

Huh.

"After Midland Circle, I lost hearing in one ear, lost my sense of smell and taste. It was - one of my worst nightmares, that quiet, that - lack of connection to the world," he said softly. "This quiet - it's different, it's - I don't hate it but - it's like I'm disconnected again."

"Do you want to leave?" she offered.

"Fuck no, I want you to open that bottle while I try to turn down for what."

She decided not to question his weirdness considering everything else and leaned back on the roof. It wasn't quite dark yet but she could see fucking stars. Stars. **Damn**.

"What is it?" Matt asked, curious but more focused on her than a second before.

She opened the bottle. "It's a nice view."

He took a swig when it was his turn and raised his hand to point out at the lake. "I'll tell you what I see. Big pond with only a little bit of gasoline and poison in it. There's a giant rat - and a dinosaur hanging out somewhere over - "

She spotted a brown bundle that was possibly a beaver and a white feathered crane in the distance. "What else?" she asked.

"Wait, is it really a giant rat?" Matt froze.

"You're not worried about the dinosaur?" Jessica laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (It's not a beaver. It's a muskrat.)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to 'share' the playlist for this when I figure out how. Chapter breaks belong to Robert DeLong, Niykee Heaton, Heroe, & Kehlani and title belongs to Niykee Heaton.


End file.
